so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
