Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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