My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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