Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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