I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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