Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
