the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
