i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
