I'm really into asian looking animals
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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