Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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