Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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