He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
