I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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