got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
