she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize