After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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