life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
