I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize