I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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