He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
