so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
