Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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