Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
