Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize