It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
