I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
