shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
