you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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