margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
