I just cut my nipple shaving
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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