finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
