I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
