I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
