the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
