I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
