Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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