I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I AM VODKA MAN
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
