Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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