Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
