Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
jump out the window naked night went bad
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
