i already hear my dad disowning me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
