if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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