I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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