im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
