Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
