If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
