i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
