This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
