just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
