Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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