She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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