I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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