I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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