i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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