I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
