life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
