There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
