My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
