I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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