Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
